Always Aim for the Stars
CHAPTER 3: ALWAYS AIM FOR THE STARS IN MATTERS OF LOVE: KNOW YOUR WORTH AND NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS by Christine Bode: Excerpted from For the Grandchildren: A Collection of Stories, Life Lessons, and Wisdom From Around the World Volume I
A stone in my boot is the metaphor for my life. How does it feel to walk with a stone in your boot? Slowly. Awkwardly. Painfully. Putting one foot in front of the other. Searching for that spot where you can take your boot off, shake out the stone, put the boot back on, and keep walking. However, there’s another stone in your boot before you know it. And you can do nothing about those stones except learn how to live with them—without anger. Those stones remind you that you’re alive and experiencing a human existence. It’s over when you can no longer feel the stones in your boots.
Can we learn to be grateful for the stones in our boots? After more than forty years of trying, I’m almost there. And after thirty years of knowing that I should pay attention to the red flags that appear on my path, I finally do. Beware the red flags and proceed with caution. Develop your intuition and listen to it; it’s the most powerful gift you have for your human experience. And make no mistake, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe it won’t be our last, either.
I am a young-spirited sixty-year-old who has never had children. However, I have played a vital role in the lives of my youngest niece and nephew, fraternal twins, who are now twenty-two years old.
Their mother, my middle sister and best friend, Karen, died from ovarian cancer in 2014 at the age of forty-eight when her children were just about to turn twelve. My sister’s last words to me were to help her husband with the children because he would need it. I promised her I would. We discovered that women who have had fertility treatments are potentially more at risk for ovarian cancer, depending on their age and weight, and my sister Karen had her children later in life, at age thirty-six, after trying for years. She decided to have in vitro fertility treatments because she wanted her children more than anything, and Karen told me that she would make the same decision again, knowing that. Karen’s children meant everything to her; now, they mean everything to me. They are my reason for living while I keep emptying stones from my boots and aspiring to be the person they can be proud to emulate or take advice from.
I have always talked to Erika and Ethan as if they were adults. I’ve always listened to them, asked them questions about their lives and the things they enjoy, and let them know who I really am. An imperfect, diligent, resilient, and generous woman who has never stopped trying to improve myself despite having over fifty jobs, moving over forty times, and weathering the many obstacles that life has put in my path. After being an administrative assistant for over twenty-five years, a self-employed entrepreneur for fifteen years, almost four years of psychotherapy, reading over a thousand books, and making at least a thousand mistakes, I know that life is about the journey and not the destination.
Around the time I was eight years old, I started to put on weight. I’m not sure what triggered my chubbiness, but suddenly, I was larger than the other kids at school, and my mom was putting a lock on the freezer so I couldn’t get at the baked goods. By the time I was twelve, I was almost 5’ 8” tall and about thirty pounds overweight. So, my mom forced me to go with her to a gym to lose weight, telling me that if I didn’t, I would never have a boyfriend in high school. Those words have stayed with me all my life. It didn’t matter how pretty I was if I was overweight. I wasn’t a kid who loved to exercise, except to ride my bike and play outside, go for nature hikes, and walk with our family dog. I was lousy at basketball, which I played when I was young, but I was not graceful or a natural athlete, and I gave it up in high school. In high school and college, I loved to dance and attended many concerts, but I mostly watched a lot of television and movies and frequently resided in the fantasy world I’d created. Sensitive, romantic, and idealistic, I hoped I could someday help make the world a better place with my writing. I also believed in true love, knights on white horses and “someday, my prince will come!”
However, I went to the gym (repeatedly, on and off over the years), which I hated, especially those machines with bands that were supposed to shake your fat away. Ridiculous. I lost weight; when I was thirteen, I looked like I was at least seventeen. After about three months, I weighed 144 lbs and was ready for high school that September.
During the summer of 1977, I went to Calgary to visit my German father’s half-brother and his wife, who was from Australia. It was my first trip alone from Kingston, Ontario, where I was born, grew up, and live today, and I trusted my aunt and uncle would take care of me while I was there. However, the first night of my stay, my uncle came into my bedroom, sat on the side of the bed, and although I pretended I was asleep, he started to fondle my breasts. That was as far as it got, but I was terrified, and everything changed for me at that moment. My aunt and uncle were kind but had to work during my visit, so I spent too much time alone in their house, calling my grade school puppy love crush (I was about to enter ninth grade and he, eighth. He was gay, an actor and director, and died at forty-eight from cancer. I kept in touch with him for much of his life.) to talk on the phone and ate containers of yogurt and wheels of camembert while they were away. They took me to Banff and Jasper, and I saw the Calgary Stampede Parade, but when I left, I wasn’t the same person as when I’d arrived. And I never told anyone about what happened until I was in my thirties and in therapy.
I gained weight during that short trip, and when I entered high school at thirteen, I was too chubby to attract boys, although I was always boy crazy, reading about Shaun Cassidy, Rex Smith, and other teen idols of the day that I fantasized about. I was a photographer and wrote short stories and poetry, too. My first poem, about Shaun Cassidy, was published in Scholastic’s Rock’s Biggest Ten, much to my astonishment. I wrote to pen pals, some female and one male, who became close friends during those years. I had many male friends but no boyfriends, all through high school, despite having a few mad crushes because although I was pretty, more than one teenage boy muttered to me that it was too bad I couldn’t lose thirty pounds.
Then, when I was seventeen, I lost my virginity to someone I met at a friend’s party in Toronto. I so wish I hadn’t. I wish I had enough self-respect, self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth not to throw it away. However, I didn’t wish on stars back then. Instead, after we stopped seeing each other, I slept with another friend from high school and my best male friend (taking his virginity), becoming quite promiscuous during my late teens, twenties and early thirties. Then, after having my heart broken for the umpteenth time by the time I was thirty-three, I pretty much gave up on men. I had always hoped that the men I met would want to know the real me and see beyond the pretty face of the overweight woman who was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to commit to. Instead, the first man I lived with was a handsome drug dealer who was on the run from the Hull mafia, and I gave him a place to hide in Toronto in 1987. We broke up in 1989, and I have never lived with another man.
There’s no need for me to go on about my failed romantic relationships—and there were many—but the point I want to make is that if I had taken the time when I was young to develop self-respect, self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth, I would not still be single, have trust issues with men, and live without children or grandchildren. However, I learned slowly, despite two college diplomas, through the school of hard knocks, that until we can love ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us in return, the way we deserve to be loved?
Take the time to lie on your back on the ground as often as possible and look up at the night sky. Feel the grass, breathe deeply, look at the stars and connect with the Universe. It is not malevolent. It does not want our destruction. It is not the reason we struggle as humans. If we look at it long enough, we realize that we are a part of it as it is a part of us. Within us lies the answers to the most challenging questions. We can answer them ourselves if we listen closely enough to the Universe within. If something doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t. If it doesn’t feel positive, it isn’t. It’s as simple as that because it’s all in our perception of the world.
Life is too short to spend it being miserable, so surround yourself with people who uplift you and challenge you to be the best person you can be. Always treat others the way you want to be treated. Be with people who not only love you but like you for who you are at this very moment. Don’t waste your time in romantic relationships with men or women who do not cherish you and treat you with respect, kindness, and admiration. Having things in common is essential, but you don’t have to be exactly the same. Opposites do attract and bring something to the relationship that you cannot.
Choose someone you enjoy talking to, who makes you laugh, listens to you, and will hold you when you’re grieving. Don’t expect them to say or do anything to fix you or the situation. Let them know they don’t have to fix you. Don’t let someone lie to you more than once; if you let them once, they will do it again. The same goes for cheating. Notice how you feel when you’re with them. If you don’t feel like a better person who is self-confident and worthy of their love, and don’t trust them 100 percent, you haven’t made the right choice in a partner. If they cheat on you, walk away. If they don’t like your dog, walk away. I’ve had three dogs as an adult who have been like children to me, and they can be enough to keep you company when your family and friends are busy. They are also a significant commitment, and you are responsible for their health and well-being, so always treat them with love and respect.
If a person asks you to change for them, walk away. It doesn’t matter if they don’t earn heaps of cash. What matters is that they are comfortable in their own skin and treat children, animals and other humans with the same respect, kindness and admiration they treat you with. Walk away if they aren’t good to their parents, siblings or children. Because I’m telling you, it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel less than good enough just as you are. You are enough.
Don’t worry about when love will find you. Take the time to work on yourself. Study subjects you’re interested in, develop hobbies you’re passionate about, work to the best of your abilities, exercise daily, eat as healthily as possible, enjoy your friends, do things for others without expecting anything in return, and read a lot. Get off your freaking phones and computers, and start talking to people in the real world. You will never meet the person you’re looking for if you constantly stay home alone. This I know. Spend as much time as you can with the people in your life who love you and with whom you feel secure. Be with people who want to be with you. Leave the others alone. You don’t need them in your tribe. Spend the time that you’re not in a romantic relationship, concentrating on enriching the relationships you have with the people you love and who love you. Never settle for being in a romantic relationship that is less than what you deserve.
Self-respect, self-esteem, self-love, and self-worth are happiness; until you develop these things, you won’t know what it is. Love yourself no matter what size you are. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. We must find happiness within because no one else is responsible for our joy. So, if you’re not feeling it now, keep working at it by doing the things that make your spirit shine. Look at the stars—a lot. Get outside daily, walk in nature, and swim or go to a body of water as much as possible. It will ground you and remind you that the Universe is perfect and wants you to be happy. Always aim for the stars in matters of love, and never settle for anyone less than your ideal person. Keep emptying the stones from your boots. You will get what you believe you deserve.
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Christine Bode founded Bodacious Copy, the creative hub where writers’ words are sculpted with precision and care. She’s the heart and soul behind the scenes, dedicated to elevating your literary works with meticulous copyediting and proofreading prowess. With a passion for polishing outstanding books and a knack for crafting compelling websites, Christine brings a touch of empathy and a wealth of experience to every project.
Christine contributed this chapter to For the Grandchildren: A Collection of Stories, Life Lessons, and Wisdom From Around the World Volume I, an anthology offering young people the collective wisdom of our elders, presenting insights, inspiration, and shining examples of what they believe are essential life lessons.
The accolades for Christine’s poetic work, including praise from Sir Bob Geldof and mentorship from broadcasting legend Patrick Watson, have been milestones in her literary adventure. Her published poetry collections, Eden Refugee and Eden Redefined, have touched hearts, including that of Grammy-winning filmmaker Tom DiCillo.
Beyond poetry, Christine Bode’s pen has crafted reviews for esteemed publishers like Simon & Schuster Canada and HarperCollins Canada, and her insights can be found on My Bodacious Blog. Since 2008, she has honed her skills as a freelance copy editor. Since 2012, she has proudly served as the senior copy editor for Publish and Promote, acting as a catalyst for authors’ dreams and guiding them to publishing success.
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